Addiction
by Starza
Summary: Sometimes, needing and wanting to be with someone isn't the equivalence of love... TsuzukixHisoka, TatsumixTsuzuki Now with Tsuzuki's PoV!
1. Addiction

**Author's notes:** This story I had been toying around with for days. Plus, I wanted to see a non-happy Tsuzuki/Hisoka fanfic. I like fluff, but hey, I do like reading angsty fanfiction every now and then.

Just be warned, there's a reason why this fic has 'angst' as it's first genre.

Well, hope you enjoy this story!

I sigh to myself as I close the book that I've been trying to read for the past hour or so. It's no use. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get past the first few sentences on the first page. 

I lean back in the chair I'm currently seated in and look over to the sofa. I see you there, watching TV. Or at least, you're pretending you are. I see the way your violet eyes flicker from the screen to look somewhere else. Sometimes, I see you look my way, but as soon as I look back at you, you avert your eyes away quickly back to the TV.

Even when I was trying to read earlier, I knew you were watching me. And when I looked up, you were watching the TV again, as if nothing ever happened. 

I look down at the cover of the book I've been trying to read earlier, trying to distract myself. And I can feel your eyes watching me again. How many nights have we spent playing games like this?

I can't take the peeking games anymore tonight, so I stand up and announce that I'm going to bed now. I thought you would tell me that it's too early (It's only a little past eight in the evening). I thought you would ask me if anything was wrong. I thought you would come over and hug me, a silent reassurance that you used to give me long ago...

You do neither of these things. Instead, you look up at me and nod your head before going back to the TV. I just stand still for a few seconds, perhaps waiting for any sort of reaction before I decide that I'm wasting my time and walk to the bedroom. It doesn't take me very long to change and in less than a minute later, I curl myself up on one side of the bed, closing my eyes and hoping sleep will come to me early tonight.

But I can't seem to drift off to sleep. This has been happening a lot lately and I know I won't fall asleep until you come to bed. Will you curl yourself up on the other side of the bed with your back turned tonight? Will I end up giving in to my selfish desire and reach out to you, just so that you'll turn to face me? And will you turn around and be falsely reassured once again? Will I end up crawling in your arms again; making me feel even worse than the last time this happened? Will you tell me you love me, like every night, and never receive an answer?

I try to hide under the covers as I hear the sound of the TV. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of these games we play with each other. It's getting to the point where one of us is going to crack...

When did this all start? That day when you told me you loved me? You should've never told me that it was okay that if I couldn't tell you or if I didn't feel the same way. I knew it was a lie when you told me it was all right.

What I said so long ago is true. I do need you. I would follow you wherever you went. Even into the depths of hell, I'd follow you right behind.

But just because I need you by my side doesn't mean that I love you.

I need you because you're the only one that could ever love me. I need you because you accepted me for who I am. I need you because, perhaps, you're the only person in the world who could tolerate me.

I need you not because I love you, but because I need your love. It's an addiction that I can't get enough of...

I thought, over time, I would grow to love you. We just would need time, and we have all the time in the world available to us. If we spend more time together. If we talk more. If we live together.

But yet, after five years of living together, I can't say it. I can't tell you three simple words.

Why can't I say the three simple words that roll off your tongue so easily?

Because it would be a lie. If I said that to you, I would be lying to you.

I've come to depend on you. I've grown accustomed to your smile, to your habits, to your presence...

And the longer I stay with you like this, the more torn I feel. I want to escape this false life we created. It's not fair for you to cling to a false hope. 

Yet, I can't do it...

I've tried so many times to walk out of this relationship. In the beginning, it was just hiding from you for a few hours a day. If I could go without seeing you for a few hours, then maybe I would have the courage to walk out and end this game.

But then, I hear your voice calling my name. I close my eyes, trying very hard to ignore the panic in your voice, the voice in my head yelling, 'how can you do that to him!?' driving me crazy. When I feel the anguish coming from you, I always end up giving in and come out of my hiding place. You would breathe a sigh of relief, embracing me, telling me how worried you were. I would call you an idiot for thinking such a thing and things would return to 'normal'.

After several attempts of doing that, I stopped. Even if I did leave, where would I go? What would I do?

Was I really that dependant on you? Or am I just that addicted to you?

Then I remember the first night we had sex. You were always afraid of going that far with me, but I told you it was all right, that it was fine with me.

That was the night you discovered that there was no hope. Maybe you realized that you were falsely clinging onto something that could never happen. Maybe you realized, in that one moment, that this was a one sided relationship. That I couldn't give you what you wanted.

In that one moment that was supposed to bring happiness, your dream shattered.

The next day, I think, was the day that you started giving up hope. The long talks we had stopped. The reassuring hugs stopped. The genuine smiles stopped. The concerned looks stopped.

The sex, however, never stopped. Maybe, you thought that just having me there was better than not having me at all. I could see the guilt in your eyes. But you never make a move to stop. I never made a move to stop you. Perhaps you think that because I don't stop you, somewhere, deep inside yourself, you still hold on tightly to the thought that it must mean I love you. I haven't denied you anything or left the relationship, so I must love you, deep down.

But I don't. I don't know if I ever can. And if I ever do, will you still even love me, after all that I put you through?

I'm brought out of my thoughts as I hear the phone ring. The sound of the TV disappears and I hear your footsteps cross the floor to where the phone lies.

"Hello, Tsuzuki residence... Tatsumi!?" A pause. "No, it's just I didn't expect you to call so late... Huh? No, I'm fine." There's another long pause before I hear your voice again. "No, he's sleeping. I... well, I think he's just tired, that's all... What? No, Hisoka's not sick..." Another pause. "I know, Tatsumi. It's just..."

Your voice dies down to a whisper. I strain my ears and I pick up what you're saying. "...down lately. It's really nothing to worry about." I wonder what you said before, but before I can think about it, you continue. "No, really, we're both fine!" I almost laugh at how absurd that sounds. "We'll be on time, tomorrow... Yes, I'm about to go to bed." Pause. "I know, Tatsumi... I know." There's a long pause again. "I know. I'll see you at work." Another pause. "And Tatsumi? Thank you..." I hear you laugh softly. "Good night, Tatsumi."

I hear the phone being placed on the receiver and I hear you sigh. You know that Tatsumi-san knows what's going on between us, he's always been observant when it comes to you. 

Do you know how he feels about you? He's loves you. He's been in love with you for decades. I think you know that, yet, you still choose to remain with me.

I hear the door open as you pad quietly to the bathroom and close the door behind. A thought comes to me suddenly, of you being the one walking out and going to Tatsumi-san. Why would you stay with someone who you know that will never come to love you? Thinking about that, of not seeing you everyday anymore, of not feeling your presence every moment in the day, makes me feel ill.

I feel the bed sag suddenly and I know you're curling yourself up far away from me. I try my hardest not to give in tonight, to roll over and reach out to you, but that thought comes back to me and before I realize it, my hand is reaching out to touch you.

You jump a little when my fingers brush across your shoulder and you turn yourself around to look at me.

"Hisoka?" I keep telling myself not to do this, to stop leading you on like this, but the thought of never seeing you again is too strong in my mind and I find myself crawling over to you. You don't say anything; you just wrap your arms around my waist and hold me close to you as you can.

I hate this. I hate this false life that we live. But most of all, I hate myself. For constantly giving in. For trapping you here, in my own misery.

"I love you," you whisper to me, like you do every night. I feel my eyes close and I wonder when the day will come when you are no longer able to say those words to me. 

I said I would always be by your side, even if you went to the depths of hell, I would be there. But I never thought I would be the one to drag us down there.

_Note: Because there was some confusion somewhere else, Hisoka is the speaker, and the 'you' he's referring to is Tsuzuki._


	2. Denial

**Author's notes:** Wee, zee angst SPAWNS! Honestly, there wasn't supposed to be a sequel, period, but I got a lot of positive feedback on this, so I decided to write another one.

To note, no, this story will not 'cut out all the angst'. This story's **main** genre is angst. If you feel you can't handle it, then don't read it, it's that simple. Yes, this honestly did leave me feeling weepy and for an author to feel weepy over her own story is not exactly a good sign. .

I don't think this is as good as Hisoka's PoV, but it might clear up questions as to why Tsuzuki is doing what he is, what he spoke to Tatsumi about, etc. This is the same situation as before, only from a different PoV.

Well, enjoy it!

-

Even with the TV on, I can't find anything on it remotely interesting anymore. Nothing seems to hold my interest anymore. And then, I get bored. When I'm bored, my mind and eyes wander all over the place...

And my eyes rest on the image of you. Your book is sitting on your lap, your green eyes looking down at the pages before you. How long have you been on that page?

I turn my eyes away as you look up. I can't look you in the eyes anymore; it's just too painful to do so...

I know you've gone back to reading, but I know you won't get past the first page. Are you feeling the same way I am? Or are you just feeling guilty again?

I find my eyes wandering back to watch you. No, you're not the one who's feeling guilty. The only guilty party in this situation is...

You suddenly close your book and say that you're going to bed now. I just nod my head simply, pretending that the movie on TV is the most important thing in the world. For some reason, you stand there.

What do you expect me to do, Hisoka? Do you expect me to ask you what was wrong, even though I already know you'll say that nothing is wrong? Do you expect me to say that it was too early for you to go to sleep, even though you'll just argue with me that I just stay up too late? Or do you expect me to smile and give you a hug and pretend things are okay?

No, I can't do any of those things anymore. Because they mean nothing to you. I mean nothing to you...

I didn't even notice that you walked away already. I wait a few minutes before I brush my bangs away from my eyes. I promise I would stop crying after several years of this. But I always break that promise and I find tears forming in my eyes before I know it. It's a very bad habit to break.

Why do I bother staying, I keep asking myself. Nothing good can come out of this anymore. After five years of waiting and hoping, you still can't tell me how you feel about me.

When you first told me that you didn't know how you felt, I was hurt. I knew you saw through me when I said it was okay if you didn't feel the same way. But I had to tell you, keeping this from you was far worse than not telling you.

When you first said to me that you needed time, I was happy. You were giving me a chance. You weren't totally accepting of the idea, but you weren't rejecting me either.

You moved in, and the first two years were bliss. You talked to me more, you smiled more, you let me touch you more...

And then, things started to change. You would disappear for hours without telling me. I would end up searching up and around the house, the office building, or wherever we happened to be, for you. I'd call out your name in a panic. Did something happen to you? Were you okay? Did I screw up again? Did I do anything to make you leave me?

And then, you would suddenly appear. The first thing I did was to hug you tight against my body, never wanting to let you go. I would tell you that I was worried about you. You'd look up at me with that frown on your lips and call me an idiot.

It was in those moments, I realized something; I couldn't let you go. I needed you to be by my side, even if you loved me or not. If you left me, I wouldn't know what to do...

And then I went and screwed up everything. I should've never brought up the notion of sex, especially being fully aware of what happened to you. You told me it was okay, but I should've known better.

Did you know that you didn't call out my name once? No matter how many times I called out your name and told you that I loved you, you didn't say anything...

I think, that day, a part of me died.

I gave up then. There's no point in continuing a relationship when it's one sided.

And we started drifting apart. I couldn't keep up the farce anymore; I didn't have the energy to try. I couldn't touch you without feeling guilty and dirty. I couldn't look in your eyes without thinking what a disgusting person I am to do this to you. I couldn't recite the lies that things were okay, when I knew damn well that they're not.

Yet, you still stayed. I never understood why you still stayed. I still don't understand why you stay with me.

What's worse is that after all that, you continue to sleep in the same bed with me. You continue to let me touch you intimately.

I could never understand why, even to this day. I keep telling myself that I would stop touching you, that I need to put a stop to this. But I can't stop touching you. I need you, by my side, even if you don't love me.

There are times where I wish you would tell me to stop, tell me that you hate me or don't want me. Then I would have a reason to stop this. Or is that just an excuse I'm using?

The phone is suddenly ringing. I turn off the TV and walk over to the receiver, wondering who on earth is calling so late at night.

"Hello, Tsuzuki residence?"

"Tsuzuki-san?"

I recognize the voice immediately. "Tatsumi!?"

"You sound surprised. Did I interrupt something?"

"No, it's just I didn't expect you to call so late..."

"I see..." There's a slight pause. "Are you all right? You and Kurosaki-kun weren't at work today and neither of you answered the phone earlier when I called you."

"Huh? No, I'm fine."

"I see..." There's another awkward pause. "What about Kurosaki-kun? Is he awake?"

I shake my head, even though I know Tatsumi won't see it. "No, he's sleeping. I... well, I think he's just tired, that's all..."

"Are you sure he's okay? He's not sick, is he?"

"What? No, Hisoka's not sick..."

"Tsuzuki-san... Are you both all right? Lately, the both of you have been..."

Leave it to Tatsumi to worry himself over us. I don't deserve a friend as good as him. "I know, Tatsumi. It's just..." I feel myself fall to my knees as I whisper, "It's just I've been feeling a little down lately. It's really nothing to worry about."

I know Tatsumi isn't going to buy that. "Are you sure? You know both of you can..."

I interrupt him before he can finish. "No, really, we're both fine! We'll be on time, tomorrow..."

There's a heavy silence on the other end of the phone. Every second of silence feels like torture, because I really don't know what Tatsumi may do. I know he doesn't believe a single word I've said; he's not the type of person to pry into other's affairs when they're not willing to talk.

I hear a sigh on the other end and I know that, for the time being, Tatsumi is going to let my excuse slide. "All right, Tsuzuki-san. But if you want to be on time, you best go to sleep now."

I smile and innerly thank Tatsumi for putting up with me for so many years. "Yes, I'm about to go to bed."

"Just..." There's another pause. "Just remember that if you have any sort of problems, my office door is open to both of you."

"I know, Tatsumi... I know."

"And take care of yourself and Kurosaki-kun."

"I know. I'll see you at work."

"Yes."

There's something I need to tell him... "And Tatsumi?" I pause before I say, "Thank you..."

I have a feeling that Tatsumi is smiling right now; the pause on the phone isn't awkward like the other times. "I'll expect you to keep to your promise and see you in your office at seven o'clock, sharp."

I laugh softly and whisper, "Good night, Tatsumi."

"Good night, Tsuzuki-san."

I wait till I hear the 'click' on the other end before I put the phone on the receiver. I could never hide anything serious from you, could I, Seiichirou? A part of me wishes that you would just give up on me. I'm not worth your time.

Another sin that I can never atone for...

I open the bedroom door and look at the bed for a second before I pad into the bathroom to grab a tissue. I look at myself in the mirror while I wipe my eyes dry. God, I look like such a mess. My hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in days, my eyes are all red with dark circles underneath them, my face looks a little pale, and I don't know if it's me, but I look a little thinner.

No wonder why Tatsumi called here. If I looked like this at work...

I throw the tissue in the garbage and walk back to the bed. I see you curled up on the far side of the bed. Probably so you don't have to touch or look at me...

I lay down on the opposite end of the bed, trying very hard to keep myself from crying yet again. I need to end this. I don't know how much longer...

I feel something cold brush my shoulder and I turn my head and find your green eyes looking at me. How long have you been awake?

"Hisoka?" Before I know it, you're crawling over to my side of the bed, resting your head against my shoulder. And like every night, I wrap my arms around you and pull you close to my body.

Why do you keep doing this? I don't understand. I know you don't love me, yet you stay with me.

Maybe...

"I love you," I whisper to you, like I do every night. I know I won't get a response. I know you won't say anything, even before I watch your eyes close.

But I can still wish and hope...

Can't I?


End file.
